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too much time.
11.29.04 (8:35 am)   [edit]
"Sometimes there is so much beauty in this world that it makes me want to cry," as stated in the movie "American Beauty." even in the things most people don't find beautiful... if it evokes something inside you... i wonder how many other people see this too... sometimes it makes me feel alone. I can't explain it to other people, I wonder if they feel as much. sometimes it's almost a burden... but I love feeling something... even if it's pain. it's like in American Beauty when the neighborhood outcaste watches the platic bag blowing in the wind... even in death... when we burried my cat ironically covered in a plastic bag, because my mother didnt' want the dirt to touch his gray fur. we burried him behind the house I grew up in.... He was put in a basket my mother used to store her sewing materials in. She left my sister and I to bury him in the sandy dirt, because she was to sad. His claw was stuck to the towel we laid out for him... I hope he didn't have a struggle.
I had a kind of revelation about death I suppose... It seems like animals know when there time is up, My cat's sister had gone into woods and met her death... but are they afraid when they die, or do they just accept it because they have no concept of it? Humans think so much about death as such a frightning thing... very few are not afriad. For the first time, I saw death as a cycle and not an end to a straight line. I found some comfort in this.
You know how there are certain people who even though they have been gone for years still seem very much alive... there character was so strong. you can still remember there voice even if you have no recording of it. imagine there scent, and it feels like you talked them yesterday. I remember my mother saying something once when I asked her about death. "People live on everytime you remember them" true, true... It even pertains to people I've lost along the way, perhaps old friends or people you met along the way, that you loose track of. oh... I've too much time to think. but I like it... too much time is a good thing.
 
Your brain pathways are different than the average person.
11.29.04 (7:40 am)   [edit]
Julie's Personality Summary

Extroversion

You are reflective, observant and self-sufficient. Your social style varies: You are sometimes very talkative and outgoing, sometimes rather shy and withdrawn. Your brain pathways are different than the average person. This is a unique, valuable characteristic.

Emotionality

You react easily to emotional situations, yet take a balanced stand in dealing with stress. You sometimes feel emotions that come from nowhere ('out of the blue').


Thoroughness

You can focus very well on tasks that interest you, but tend to be easily distracted with those that do not. This is a disadvantage in some aspects, but a virtue in others - for the things you like, you are very enthusiastic.


Openness

You require variety. You appreciate the comfort that comes with some routines, yet you continually crave the novelty and excitement that comes with change. In this trait, you are different than the average man and the average woman in your culture.


Agreeableness

You care a lot about what other people feel and think. You sometimes modify your behavior to protect the feelings of others. Still, you realize that it is not possible to please everyone. You have found a good balance point.


Sensing vs. Intuiting

What kind of information do you pay most attention to? You are most attracted to patterns, connections between facts, and information that can be inferred - rather than the information that is obvious and solid. You like to speculate and daydream. Your brain is always in motion.


Thinking vs. Feeling

How do you make decisions? You base your conclusions on what 'feels' most right or wrong - a 'gut level' response rather than a purely logical, rational process. You trust your instincts.


Judging vs. Perceiving

In what kind of environment are you most comfortable? You prefer a flexible, open-ended environment over a structured, stable environment. You enjoy having options and surprises.

www.personalityreport.com
 
hibernation
11.29.04 (5:25 am)   [edit]
I'm feeling the urge for some hibernation in the coming winter months.

My cat Harlold died on thanksgiving. He was 18 years old.
We arrived home from CT across the Long Island Sound and he had already gone. We knew it would happen, but there is always a period of grief for a beloved pet. We buried him in the back yard next to two trees... his sister had disappeared a few months back somewhere in the woods... RIP Harry.
 
A long walk to the west side.
11.10.04 (10:23 am)   [edit]
I took a long walk today. The air was cold enough to see my breath. there is something about the crispness of the cold that makes everything feel cleaner and more invigorating... I just walked and crossed the street whenever a crosswalk light allowed me too, and ended up on the west side next to the Hudson river...
Looking at the skyline of the city is such a different perspective then from walking through it's arteries ... you see the "big picture"... it's like looking at a painting... But walking the streets you become part of it's life.
 
Some Anonymity
11.05.04 (5:36 am)   [edit]
I'm listening to the song "Helpless" by Neil Young and I can't help but think how I want to see a country that hasn't been touched by US influence or "western culture" or can you imagine... would ask me "where is the United States " to have some anonymity in this world... to not be associated with such a superpower... that's not what I stand for... what would it be like to be from a place that most people like... that hasn't caused such great distruction around the world s... even the far reaches of the world seem to have been affected by the US in someway even if it'
s it's just knowing who we are... even NOrth Korea, who wants to keep western influence out has a leader who's favorite movie is "Titanic"
but then I think the world would be boring place without the USA. as someone else has put it.
 
Don't Despair, Act, from Margaret Cho
11.03.04 (10:36 am)   [edit]
OK, after clearing the air and getting rid of the crap spewing from my mouth.... here is something optimistic... I feel the need to share from Margaret Cho

***begin quoted text***

return to Margaret Cho's Blog
11/3/2004
Don't Despair, Act
I know that we would like to question the whole of democracy. I can't
believe Bush won either, but there isn't time to despair. What is
needed now is action, not hopelessness. What is important is that there has
been tremendous progress in mobilizing people to create change. Remember,
more voters turned out this year than in the last three decades. Although
it might be said that we can't expect change overnight, there really was
a very rapid shift in the way we view politics. We have become unafraid
of voicing our opinions, using our power, pooling our resources, and
allowing our differences to aid us instead of keeping us apart.

These new ways of looking at ourselves politically redefine what it
means to be an American. It takes what used to be a very passive identity
and turned us all into revolutionaries. In a short time, we activated
activism, something that lay dormant in many of us and had not been
awakened until now.

The Bush administration will be sorry they won this battle, for they
now look forward to losing the war. Ultimately, a government cannot defeat
its people, no matter how much power they assume or how corrupt they are.
Even though today feels like a defeat, there is no loss. There is only
opportunity. Now we have the chance to challenge everything, fight
everything. The possibilities are tremendous. All the polls, all the
posturing, all the opinions that we endured during months leading up
to the election provide us with a valuable education on how we think and
act as a country.

There are a huge number of us that are on the same side. We had no
idea how many of us there were before. We constitute roughly half of the
nation, probably more. If we refuse to concede to apathy, then we can roll
up our sleeves and get dirty. This is merely the third act break, when
it seems like our hero is down for the count, but it just isn't possible,
because there is still half an hour to go before the movie ends. We
have a lot more of our story left to tell. We need to wipe the blood off our
lip and get up again for the last time.

My friend years ago had this joke, where he was talking about how he'd
tell his girlfriend that he thought she was being a bitch, to which
she'd reply - "Oh you'll KNOW when I'm being a bitch." Republicans don't
even know how nasty we can be. You think people are pissed off today, just
wait until the inauguration. Can you imagine all the boos and jeers during
Brooks & Dunn's set? Just the radical uncoolness of their musicians
compared to Democratic rock stars is fairly awesome to consider.
Brooks & Dunn vs. Pearl Jam. Charlie Daniels going toe to toe with Bruce
Springsteen. Leann Womack against Moby. Britney Spears facing off the
entire Hip Hop Summit. If it wasn't so ridiculously sad, it would be
funny. If 'these colors' don't run now, they will soon.

I think Bush is probably really scared, if he is smart enough to be.
He should be, because he has an enormously difficult task in front of
him. There is no way he will regain public popularity. All he can manage to
do is not fuck up too badly, which will probably prove to be impossible,
as he is the rare maestro of the fuck up. Look at it this way. We might
have some fun. Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those
who think. It is vital to mourn for the victims of this government but not
at the expense of losing our sense of humor. Our ability to laugh
coincides directly with our ability to fight. If we can make fun of it, we can
transcend it. Just imagine the incredible storm of shit that Bush will
have to endure. It will make Hurricane Jean look like a humidifier.
The polarizing of the population has been a wondrous gift to debate, and
we are more politicized and aware than ever before. With all this caution
and attention focused on our 'elected' officials, we have a moment where
we can grasp the brass ring of self-government. In the immortal words of
DMX, "They don't know, who we be." but they will, and they will be sorry.
 
I've overdosed on America... I feel sick.
11.03.04 (8:28 am)   [edit]
As I'm sitting here typing this blog, I 'm punching the keys harder then I ever have before. The people in the next apartment can probably here my typing away!

I have this inccredible urge to leave... to leave this country again... I don't want to have to listen to that fucking idiot for another 4 years. but I also don't want to sit back and let the Republicans take control of everything... no wait .... that's already happened because how else would BUSH WIN AGAIN!!!!??? We are moving into the dark ages of America... we are moving farther away from our allies... we are moving farther away from out freedom, we are moving farther away from any kind of resolution, How can you call America the land of the free, when I don't feel free in my own country?
I'm moving farther away from this country. I am in utter disbelief that I have to go through another 4 years with a C student as a president, smirking at us with his sidekick "Mr.Burns" EVIL!!!
I think I've overdosed on America... I am now afraid of what's to come... not like much will change anyways... that's the scary thing... no change. isn't that what this so called "axis of evil" wants... for us to live in fear... maybe we should include our own country in this axis. "axis of evil", what the fuck is that?!...
anyways I'm going to take a break from all of this... a break from America... it was nice for 6 months to not watch American news. ... what a refreshing thing... I'm now turning off my television in my silent act of refusing to be brainwashed... like the rest of the robots who voted for the puppet.
 
Why?
11.03.04 (7:33 am)   [edit]
WHY?!